WARNING: DEBAUCHERY CONTAINED WITHIN.
Meet Smudge, the neighbours cat. She has three legs and gets on just fine thank you very much.
This post is well overdue, so make yourself
acuppatea or two because it will be a long one. Motivation to write has come since I have a) just been told off for not updating often enough, and b) contracted an illness which is going to keep me inside all week.
Chickenpox. For the second time. How does that work exactly? Google tells me that second cases are rare and only occur if the immune system is run down for some reason. Not sure why that could be, other than being a bit out of sorts (adjusting to the London winter/lack of sunlight I fear).
Anyway I've had some tests just to be on the safe side. Thankfully it's been very mild so far, scratchy but nothing like when I had chickenpox at 18. I hope it clears up soon since I'm meant to be going to Riga in
Latvia (?!) this weekend with the guys from work as our Christmas present.
I understand the plan is the hit the
strip clubs and get boozed. Can't say I'm much of a fan of
strip clubs, or states beyond tiddly but I intend to have fun regardless! As long as we stick together and keep our hands off the
merchandise (I can't speak for everybody here) I think it will be alright on the night. One for the grand-kids eh!
Since it's been so long since my last post I've already told a lot of you what I've been up to lately, but I'm dying to do a bit of a writeup anyway. I'll head each adventure up in brief chapters.
WalesA few weeks ago I was called upon to take a trip to Wales to do some work for a local city council. It turned out to be a pretty enjoyable trip, not least because I hired a car and took the drive from London myself. It felt pretty good to be behind the wheel again having not driven since July!
I stopped in at the
Evenlode (
heh heh) for lunch along the way. I had soup. The soup was mostly made from pumpkins. Mostly I felt bad for taking pictures so I could laugh at them later, without giving something back in return. So soup seemed like a fair enough trade (lode sounds just like load - geddit?).
It is a very
zig-
zaggy journey to get to Wales from London, as there are no direct roads. Many big roundabouts that looked just the same, and much confusion caused by Ms
Satnav on said roundabouts. Roundabouts are not it's
strong suit. After a while I found myself praying "
comeon comeon comeon let this be it" every time I took an exit, and becoming highly vocal
every time I heard the friendly female voice saying "...Recalculating...".
She did take me down some nice country lanes though. Completely unnecessary mind, given the proximity of the main road, the single-lane nature of the roads she took me down, and the tractors I encountered along the way. Standard stuff for
satnav from what I hear, but all in all I was grateful for these interludes. How else was I to witness the true English countryside?
Once I starting coming into Wales the roads became a lot of fun. Long fast corners and nice twisty bits. Very pretty with all the autumn colours. I was almost sad when I arrived at my destination in
Aberystwyth. Say that three times fast!
This is a gorgeous university sea-side town right on the west-coast. I found it really cute how the road and the houses followed the curvature of the coastline. Walking through the town, it looks as though things have stayed pretty much the same for the last 300 years. I like that.
I dropped my things at the
Gwesty Richmond hotel, took a call from the angry salesman whom I was supposed to be meeting at the present moment along with the client, and proceeded to the council buildings to meet salesman and client with enough time to shake hands and agree to meet later on at a bar after having appeased the ever-present food monster.
Breathe.
Got along like a house on fire. We enjoyed the pleasures of wine (salesman paid), women (were
oggled), and song (danced 'till I dropped). Back to hotel at 4am for a rousing business discussion. Couple of hours sleep, dragged myself into the council at 9am. It was a hard day for everyone. Next day was good, got the job done and the client was suitably impressed. Drove back to London and the rest is history.
Nearly forgot to mention the faggots. Probably the first and only time I'll hear two grown men debating whether or not to have their faggot buns with or without stuffing. Pretty tasty, though.
...Recalculating...
(
ARGH!!)
Skipton
This time it was a meeting up north in York country to speak with a small software company. Was a pleasant enough 3 and 1/2 hour train ride (takes 5 and 1/2 by car), great views on the way up.
I was most impressed by the customer site. It's in a business park the name of which I forget, which is special lending to the fact that the entire site used to be a family estate. It is still owned by the family, however each of the buildings such as the mill (where we were, complete with functioning waterwheel), the family home, the barn so on and so forth have been completely refitted for businesses to move in, but they have kept everything of the buildings look and character in the process.
Standing in the office and looking out the back window of the mill is a view of a
quaint circular courtyard with a path leading into the woods. It was through these woods we
traipsed to get to the central restaurant, which is in the middle of a huge stone-walled and beautifully tended garden area with spectacular views. The restaurant is the only new building in the park and is practically all glass as not to intrude on the landscape. I had the
Moroccan char-grilled pork salad and it was yummy.
Back at the meeting and I was running the show.
Yay me. Could be quite a good little deal if it comes through.
Yay commission!
Bond 007 Party
This was a surprise. I wish I had some photos of this one, I may get access to some later. Anyway the deal is that
Symantec,
everybody's favourite (
bleaurgh) Antivirus and Backup software company puts on a Christmas party in London every year for all the
distributors. We were invited, and what a show it turned out to be.
Walking into the London Hippodrome in
Leicester Square we are greeted by a Sean Connery impersonator whose job it was too look like Sean Connery and shake people's hands. Passing
Oddjob on the way through, the first thing you notice is the gigantic melted chocolate fountain with assorted
yummies for dipping - pineapples and strawberries and
profiteroles (think eclair balls with cream inside), rotating around the outside. I spent a good few moments here regaining my composure as I downed a good share of the yummy.
This place is pretty big. It could probably hold 1000 people - later on tonight the place will pack out to about 700. So anyway we head to the bar and order 2 double JD&Coke's each. This will be the running theme of the evening. No there isn't a tab tonight. It's a bottomless bar!
We look down to the dance floor, and to the steps running either side to the main bar. Half way up on both sides there are landings containing Bond girls. Tiny gold spangly thingies contain the Bond girls who are models serving shots of vodka and
frangellico from giant ice sculptures with said beverage at the top which is funneled down through a tube and spews out through the gaping maw at the bottom.
So somehow we manage to
teleport ourselves
in front of the vodka totem and request some nectar from the sacred guardians wearing practically nothing, when all of a sudden the valve in the device breaks and vodka starts gushing out from the gaping maw like something from a really tasteless yet strangely erotic c-grade porn movie. I hurriedly set about filling shot glasses with the precious fluid only to find that once it's all finished, equal parts having landed in the shot glasses, the floor, and on the women, that my friends have
scarpered leaving me but one option to down a couple of shots and head to the
dance floor.
Strange as it may seem I managed to keep a level head the entire night and didn't become legless. Quite the contrary, I spent the next 4 hours dancing the night away (legs intact). Who would have thought that an IT party would be attended by so many jaw-
droppingly attractive females (not the vodka talking). And they were all dancing with me!
Ok well
at least that's how it seemed at the time. I swear I wasn't _that_ smashed. I could tell by all the approving nods I received about my dancing technique. Or were they shaking their heads in disgust. Can't remember.
At one point a gay guy cottoned onto me and wouldn't leave me alone, so I played along for a while until he started swinging me around at which point I said "Hey babe you _know_ you're gorgeous, but you're just a bit much for me right now" to which he tucked tail and ran. Probably to cry or something. Poor fella. He really seemed to like me.
So anyway by this stage I've lost all my friends and am
grooving away with a sweet little blond girl in a purple dress with a big bow at the back (why won't you reply to my ad on gumtree!), and my
Afro-
Caribbean friend from work comes into my field of view. "Mate!" *groove* *shake* etc. He says "follow me", so I do. He takes me to two
Afro-
Caribbean girls and he starts grinding with one of them. I follow his lead with the hotter of the two. Fun! By the end of the night she invites me over to sit down, we chat for a bit, I asked for her number but she said her boyfriend wouldn't like that. Must have freaked once she saw me in the light (eek! He's pink!).
Them's the breaks.
On the way home I decide that I wouldn't mind a bit of a walk so I go in the direction I think my house is in, in the hope to catch a night bus along the way. I walk for an hour and a half before I start to get suspicious, ask someone, and learn sure enough that I've been walking east (FYI I live in West London). Luckily I manage to find a
night bus that takes me to
Ealing Broadway, where I catch a cab home for cheap.
The following day I manage to get into work FIRST at 9:00am. And I'm not feeling too bad considering the lack of sleep really. This will hit me later in the day. Anyway the next person doesn't get in until 11:30am! I'm racking up the brownie points already, I say to myself as I rub my hands together.
The rest of the day is filled with tales of the nights exploits, including a dust-up between two of my colleagues ending in someone being thrown out of a car and a shirt being ripped off, drunken phone messages from
Afro-
Caribbean friend to sober driver to the tune of "you are, a f**king, c**t", repeatedly, extremely
slurredly. And the obligatory accusations of other colleagues being gay because they didn't hit on that girl who was totally up for it.
One to remember.
AmsterdamThis trip was actually before the Bond night but I'm leaving Amsterdam 'till last because it was the most memorable. I would not be
exaggerating if I said that this town completely blew me away. I'm still not sure exactly what it was about it that took me so, yet I feel somehow changed from the experience.
The whole experience getting there was quite surreal. I met Dave at
Heathrow and we ate some pie together. He had the potato and leek, I had the jerk chicken. Mine was
ok, his wasn't a pie at all and was rather a soup wrapped in pastry. I'm sticking with the food theme because for some reason recalling the meals I ate helps me remember the rest of the story.
Got on the plane, had a chat to Dave to my left, had a chat to the woman on my right, flicked through the magazine and we were there. The flight took a little over one hour. I couldn't believe it took such a short amount of time to arrive in a completely different country, but anyway it became true as we walked off the plane.
I love walking on those flat
travelators that make it seem like you are walking at running speed. Walking should always feel that cool. The pace continued through customs - 2 people
in front of me, glanced at my passport and I was through in a flash - waited for Dave to get his bag, tried to figure out the strange ticket machine, and then were were on the street. A quick discussion with a security guy was had while Glynn sucked down a cigarette in about 2 drags, and we were back inside and down the
escalators to the train station, which was conveniently placed directly underneath the airport terminal (it's amazing what a little city planning will do).
The train pulled up just as we were walking down, and it was a huge modern-looking 2-story
jobbie. And so it was that we glided into the central city and stepped onto the strange cobbled streets with cars on the wrong side of the road and practically silent trams and pointy buildings and attention to detail. We dropped our things at our hotel on the
Damrak and went exploring.
From here on the
time line gets a little bit hazy due to
inebriation. GO TO AMSTERDAM AND DRINK THE HEINEKEN THERE. Andrew was correct when he
labeled this sunshine in a bottle. IT REALLY
TRULY IS. We visited the
Heineken factory which was actually pretty fun. Not least due to the 3 bars you visit on your way through, but there was also neat stuff to look at. And a ride that turned you into a
Heineken bottle and drank you at the end.
We took a canal ride at one point which was kind of cool. I will admit to trying to local legal herbage in Amsterdam, and by golly was it tasty. Got it at one of the many Coffee Shops ("coffee shops" sell marijuana, "
cafes" don't), and it was one of the best smokes I've ever had. If ever there was a reason to legalise, this was surely it. I'm amazed they get any work done over here. I guess everybody is busy perfecting the art of growing to sell to the tourists (and to enjoy a quiet smoke after work).
Amsterdam is a very beautiful city. It's very well planned out but despite that, it retains a great deal of character. There is a very romantic feel to the place which is unmistakable. Even in the seedier areas there is an
openness which is refreshing. Walking through the red-light district during the day I noticed a group of young school-kids being led by their teacher on an outing. And at night in the same area you see completely normal looking couples walking arm in arm, coming to see what all the fuss is about.
It's the weekend and everybody in town seems to have the same idea. And by golly. I shan't elaborate too much on this, but again this was
truly an eye-opener. Walking along any street or canal in the red-light district at night (it is a big place) you will find shop windows, and in every window a woman. The kind you pay for.
The surprise comes when you notice that these sex-workers aren't the run-down, tired, cheap and not so cheerful
specimens you might expect. Sure there are some bangers there. But for the most part what you notice, or
at least this is how I interpreted it, is that you are a guest in one of the finest restaurants in the world, browsing whats on offer in the all you can you can eat buffet. All your lustful desires could be satisfied with a bottomless wallet and a loosening of morals.
I would encourage men and woman to see this for the shear spectacle anyway.
So the following day while my associates are snoring away, I jump in the shower while it's still morning and emerge into a day of exploring on my own. I get thoroughly lost and love every minute of it. Somehow I made it back to Damrak and went with one of the guys to the Cannabis College. I pay the 2.50 euros to go downstairs and stand in the cannabis garden for a while. The smell alone will leave you floating back up the stairs. Don't bother with the Marijuana Museum it's stupid and expensive and boring.
I also really enjoyed the Dam square. It's this big open space between Damrak and The Rokin which is home to Madam Tussaunds amoungst others. One thing you notice here is that the streets and pavement are cobbled, and there are no street markings, so street and pavement are essentially the same thing, AND the cars have to share the roads with the trams. I have no freaking idea how they do this and found myself looking around everywhere when I came even remotely near some motorized transportation. Bugger driving in this city!
And then we all went home. Next time I come back I want to see more of what the museums have to offer - I passed Madam Tussaunds a couple of times and they had a waxwork of Jack Sparrow from Pirate of the Carribean standing in the foyor and he looked unbelievable.
In closing
I hope you like the new layout (thanks to random Mr or Mrs Template guy). You'll notice a new section at the top-right corner of the page - this is a feed of my latest photo galleries. Here you will find all the additional photos I'm taking which I don't have space to post on my blog.
To those more technically inclined, or even those who aren't, you should experiment with subscribing to this blog as feed. That way you will be notified when there is a new post, and you won't have to remember to go looking to see if I've updated. Heaps of sites are using feeds these days. There is loads of different software readers out there - there is a Google Reader for instance, and the latest version of Firefox has one built in. New feeds will just show up as new "live" bookmarks. There is a link to my feed at the bottom of this page.
Personally, I still do it the old fashioned way too but I just want to encourage other people to do it first because I'm scared to break tradition myself. I've tried but it's just not sitting right with me yet. If everybody did it though it would be cool 'cause then everyone would be up to date with what's happening all at the same time.
FYI that reflected sunset shot was taken in White City (home of the Beeb) at approx. 4:00pm London time. Enjoy that sunshine New Zealand. Enjoy that stinking hot sunshine.
Peace.
C.
PS. Dad - I found it.
Howdy ho. Small update today, just to let you know I'm still alive.